The Philosophy of Kink (Part 1)

False Equivalency:

Ego-Likeness & The Illusion of Permanence of Self

(Apologies in advance if this is heady to the point of being cerebral. Ultimately, my brain is my biggest sex organ, and I love using it in every capacity. My hope is that my thoughts and reflections resonate with someone and free them from their own trap. I imagine this will be a multi-part blog, as the topic I want to discuss is too broad and deep for a single post. Possibly, this could be a book….)

One of my best friends, a mom and professional in the corporate world, recently discovered her kinky side. It’s been a beautiful transformation to behold from the sidelines, and it certainly has me biting my lip, wishing to participate as I hear her talk about her new-found love life between the sheets. Being a professional domme, she’s always looked to me for advice and support as she learns her way on this left hand path she now ventures.

One of her earliest struggles was with the concept that she was submissive at all. For both cisgenders, it is common to desire to be seen as independent, successful, and ‘put-together.’ For cismen, this has been the ideal presented to them for ages, but more specifically, since the mid 20th Century in America. For women, appearing so is an important aspect to modern feminism, which is as much about self-identity as it is being defined by ‘not needing men’ as a response to long-term systemic oppression and subjugation of women through, among other things, traditional gender roles.

Enjoying the act of submitting to someone else, especially someone of the opposite gender, can hit against this desire to be seen as strong and independent.

Values & The Ego-Likeness

The modern world is built on optics. The substance of the digital age has more to do with how it presents and how the audience feels about the presentation than whether the presentation is reality or merely a facade. It’s performative over substantive. Whether there is a ghost inside the shell is less important than (if important at all) what the shell says about what might be inside. If Mike Pondsmith is right that ‘cyberpunk is style over substance’, we’ve hit Bladerunner’s dystopia and are just waiting on the robots.

When the world values us based on the curated images that we present to the world, and we are so constantly posting our lives on social media to the point that we’re always aware there’s a camera recording what we do somewhere, we end up hyper-vigilant about our own behaviors, especially the ones that dilute or refute the curated image we have in mind- what we want the world to see us as.

I’m going to borrow a term, because it perfectly describes what is going on here: the curated facade we wish to wear, our mask, is our Ego-Likeness. It’s an image we have of who we want others to see. It is the version of who we are or who we wish to be, free of blemishes and imperfections and failures. It is the mental construct created by our ego, made manifest by curated social media content ritual and behavior.

This modern world judges us by our Ego-Likeness for all things— beauty, power, success, even our ability to get a job. Our Ego-Likeness is the first thing we put on in the day, and the last thing we take off. Hell, most of us sleep with it on our faces. We look in the mirror and it is the person we want to see, and the person we strive so hard to show the world.

The Ego-Likeness is the outward presentation of our alignment to and agreement with the values that society holds. And with our constant engagement in ‘curating’ ourselves as the product instead of the consumer, we’ve slipped up. Our Ego-Likeness is a product of our ego; it isn’t who we are intrinsically. Our ego is not who we are, and so the derivative of the ego cannot be a true reflection of ourselves either.

Essence versus Quality (The Ka and Ba)

I’m going to divert here a moment to talk about something that I promise critically ties in later, but needs to be discussed to piece this together correctly. That is the dual state of human existence.

People have a fundamental Essence—who they are fundamentally and immutably. People also have Quality—the set of characteristics that describe them.

Essence is metaphysical. It is spiritual. It is separated and distinct from the material plane. Religions have words for it: Soul (Christianity), Atman (Hinduism), Neshamah (Judaism), Ka (Ancient Egyptian). It’s a fundamental force, and what we recognize in others when we acknowledge their humanity, especially when we disagree.

On the other hand, Quality describes not who the person is, but how that person interacts with the world. It presents as personality, habits, decisions, likes, dislikes, their presentation, appearance, and biometrics—the Ba of Ancient Egypt. These things are mutable. Who an adult is today is not necessarily who they were as a child, but the interactions of said child may have informed patterns of thought and behavior that make it easier to predict how the adult will behave. However, these things all change over time.

Ego-Likeness: Putting our best Ba forward

Here’s where it comes together. Ego-Likeness, the presentation of the Qualities we wish to express, more accurately, wish to be seen as by the outside world—to be strong, independent, is fundamentally disconnected from our Essence. It is our Ba, not our Ka.

Worse still: it isn’t even our Ba, it’s the Ba we wish others would see in us. That is pure ego. And ego is rigid because it is brittle. Ego attempts to control the uncontrollable, to understand the unknowable. It grasps and tries to contain things because Essence is beyond Ego’s capacity. And so, Ego tricks us into thinking the mutable is fixed, that the stars in the heavens do not move, and that the temporary is permanent. It actively elevates Quality over Essence and denies who we are for what we want to be seen as.

Ego Destruction as the Path to Pleasure

Once we realize the trap of ego, that we are more than our Qualities, and we are greater than our Ego-Likeness, we can begin to truly find pleasure for ourselves, free of boundaries and inhibitions. Only once we cast off the ego, embrace the Essence, find our Ka, can we feel free to explore and love ourselves.

Leading the boardroom and following your owner to your cage exist in the same person because they are Qualities, not Essence. Women, men, and thems—nothing about our Ego-Likenesses informs us about who we truly are. There is no material self that dictates the rules to the spiritual self by design, only by the permission you give it. The reality of our essence is not constrained by the material, the ego, or thought.

So, shhhh, and learn to love this.